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Predatory Lending

LOAN SHARK: Do you need a thousand dollars cash fast?

JEN: Um…

LOAN SHARK: Guaranteed approval, no credit check required.

JEN: Are you a… Loan Shark?

LOAN SHARK: A Loan Shark? You're funny. We don't like that term. We prefer the term money lender. Loan Shark sounds so…

JEN: Accurate?

LOAN SHARK: It makes us sound so predatory, as though we target innocent prey in desperate situations, tear them apart and eat them alive. 

JEN: Uh…

LOAN SHARK: You are perhaps familiar with my extensive network of payday and title loan franchises. CashQuickly, Money Time 9,000, Say Yay Payday, E-Cash-O-Rama, Gimme Money Plus, Cash Fix Fast…

JEN: Isn't Money Time 9,000 the one with the really dodgy commercials late at night? Or is that the one with the reality TV personality spokesperson? 

LOAN SHARK: Does it really matter? The important thing is that we have the cash to make it happen.

JEN: To make what happen?

LOAN SHARK: Your… you know. Whatever emergency and/or desperate situation you're in! Car breakdown? Unexpected medical bills? Want to go shopping but can't wait until payday? Yeah.

JEN: OK, 1, I have an emergency fund in my budget to look after stuff like that and 2, I'm not sure that shopping is a valid reason to take out a loan.

LOAN SHARK: There are plenty of good reasons! Instant approval! Fast cash! Less-than-perfect credit? No problem! Call in the next 5 minutes and you can have $500 by tomorrow.

JEN: I… appreciate your enthusiasm, but that does not sound reassuring at all. 

LOAN SHARK: Look. I'm not here to judge. I don't know why you need the money–

JEN: I don't need the money.

LOAN SHARK: But I do know that $500 in your pocket can really help you out. Just get the loan.

JEN: But I…

LOAN SHARK: Get the loan. 

JEN: I really don’t…

LOAN SHARK: Just. Get. The. Loan.

JEN: Okay, let's say I do need $500 before payday. Taking out a loan means paying back the money plus interest. What's your interest rate?

LOAN SHARK: If you pay it back within 10 days, you'll be fine.

JEN: That's not what I asked. What's your interest rate?

LOAN SHARK: Instant approval! No credit check needed.

JEN: Gimme that. 550% APR!? 

LOAN SHARK: It's not that high.

JEN: Loan Shark, I think my credit card interest rate is high, and that's 15%. This is 550. If I borrowed that $500 for just 1 month, I would owe like 80 bucks in interest. 

LOAN SHARK: Oh and uh, plus late fees.

JEN: Oh great! At this rate, if something happened and I couldn't pay back the loan for an entire year, I would owe over $2,500 in interest refinancing! Borrowing $500 today would give me $3,000 of debt! Is that not crazy to you? 

LOAN SHARK: Well… we can help keep that from happening. For $25 a week, we can extend that original loan so that you don't have to default on it.

JEN: So if I can't pay the loan back all at once, on top of the interest, I would also pay you a hundred dollars a month just to keep it from going to collections? What if I can't cover a hundred dollars a month?

LOAN SHARK: Take out another loan. Yeah. Fast cash in your pocket by Friday! 

JEN: Are you crazy? These loans are outrageously expensive and targeted at people who are clearly in a tight spot to begin with. How is this even legal? Don’t you have any rules that you have to follow?

LOAN SHARK: Of course there are! There's all sorts of legislation surrounding short-term lending. But my businesses happen to be registered under a slightly different sector so I don't have to follow all those boring rules exactly.

JEN: Money Time 9,000, Payday Lender and Island Adventure Tours. 

SHARK: We put the “fun” in “fundamentally unsafe”!

JEN: Right, well, thanks for the info. I'm not gonna take out a loan, so please go away.

SHARK: I didn't want it to come to this, but if you don't take out that loan…

Resort Guest: Hey, there's a shark in the pool! 

JEN: I'm just gonna…

LOAN SHARK: Duuuuh nuh. Duuuuu nuh. Duuuh nuh  nuh duh nuh duh nuh.